You Better Shape Up

Fear of Obama's Nazi Death Panel ("O.N.D.P.") is spreading across the country at a rapid rate. Even in Houston, routinely considered the fattest metropolitan center, citizens have begun preparing to make their case for life.

Recently, many of Houston's most overweight women attempted to show the O.N.D.P. they were on the path of becoming fit and productive members of society by embarking on some of the most grueling physical training sessions of all time. That's right, Jazzercise is back and like space travel Houston is leading the way. Check out this link and sit back in amazement.

I'm with Baby

Partying in your mid to late 20's can become routine and monotonous affair. All of a sudden the over consumption of alcohol, cigarette smoking, and talk of who's girlfriend or boyfriend has gained weight doesn't pack the same punch it once used to.

But have no fear fun seekers, there is an emerging group of selfless parents who have no problem sharing their little bundles of joys in the party atmosphere. While these amusing little tots were usually only brought out for family affairs, this new wave of cool parents are finally sharing their little fire starters with the rest of the world even in a party atmosphere. And the partygoers are loving it.

Baby usually never brings any alcohol or conversation to the party, but Baby's presence is as tangible as it is electric. If you smoke a cigarette at the party of all of a sudden people treat you like the Lindbergh baby kidnapper. Even better, rumors of who boinked who are always unwelcome when in the presence of Baby.

Once again we owe a big thanks to Hollywood for paving the way for the new "cool baby" trend. Its almost hard to remember a time when fun could be had without Baby.

Proud To Be An American

Before developing plans for historic Cowboys Stadium, questionnaires were sent to season ticket holders asking what they would like to experience in the new stadium. Overwhelmingly they replied that they would like to feel as if they were watching a football game from an inward looking balcony of a Wyndham Hotel lobby.

Jerry Jones didn't disappoint as tonight the world's largest lobby was unveiled to the world.

Once again, like the record construction of the Empire State Building and the development of the personal computer, it was proved to socialist Europe that The Red, White and Blue is still on top... Big Time

ESPN gets its Pedophile on

Sports Media Giant ESPN has now officially joined the league of child smut peddlers known as Teen and Child Beauty Pageants. All those sports fans tuning into ESPN from 2 to 4 hoping to hear about the upcoming NFL season or the MLB playoff race must have been disappointed to find out ESPN was showing baby faced 9 year olds playing some pretty sloppy baseball. Who in the world could have been excited about this programming? Answer this guy:

Thats right, John Mark Karr the ridiculously creepy pretend killer of JonBenet Ramsey. The continued success of these pageants and ESPN's entry into the child smut arena makes one think that no lessons have been learned from the death of JonBenet Ramsey. Let kids be kids. Children's sports are about kids having fun and feeding the egos of some over bearing parents. Let it be that, don't shove them on the TV screen because no one normal wants to watch that. Only guys like John Mark Karr.

Also, this doesn't include the National Sideshow (Scripps Spelling Bee) for three reasons: A) those kids deserve it for the work they put in, B) that shit is hilarious and C) those kids are too busted to attract the wrong kind of attention.

What's Hot and What's not - August till January Predictions

WHAT'S HOT/WHAT'S NOT

1. No More Nut Play - What happened in these girls childhood that made them think that was an enjoyable experience? Obviously not talking to Daddy. The only feeling going on down there is pain, everything else is just uncomfortable. I can see nut play being huge in certain parts of the world where women can't show ankle. But how is it so popular here? The only guess is that girls mistake the on the back Robot dance most guys do during nut play as pleasure, well they are wrong its just plain uncomfortable. Something in the air tells me we see a huge drop in nut play in the year 2010.
2. Persol/Maui Jim - Recently Jay-Z said he might bring back Versace Shades (see below) but why bother he is already rocking the hottest sunglasses in the game? Already some of Houston's finest are wearing the ultra classic and ultimate style in the sunglass game. And the best part, unlike Ray Baun Way Farer's, the working class can't justify the 350$ starting price to wear them. Comparing Persol's to yuppie favorite Maui Jim feels ridiculous because they operate on such different levels. But, while Maui Jim's simply look like shit they will always have some market as they have become the new white pillow sheets for those with racial intolerance.
3. JAY-Z/LIl' Wayne - Yes white suburbia has spoken and their king is well known child star Lil' Wayne. But the suburbs are boring and their memories go quick, with the Blue Print 3 arriving in stores on September 11, 2009 people can stop pretending they like the "Lollipop Man" Lil' Wayne. No Longer will people have to pretend like the face tat'd child star Lil' Wayne has Swag. Jigga brings it back in September and people soon forget the Olsen Twin of Rap.