Surprise by the Surprise

In case you missed it to the shock of men and women everywhere Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with at least two women and what may be a horse named Jamie Grubbs. All over the airwaves and streets you hear women saying "I just can't believe he would do this to his family." In all fairness to Tiger, all of the press clippings I have read he had sex, sext, and innapropriate relationships with women so I'm not sure what these women think "he did to his family."

Regardless, I could really give a shit about this story but what is interesting is what appears to be genuine shock from the press and public that Tiger Woods was having sex with gorgeous women all over the world.

Why are people so surprised by this? I honestly believe if someone had asked two months ago "Do you think Tiger Woods has a faithful monogamous relationship with his wife?" The answer would be a simple one: No, he's Tiger motha fucking Woods.

The media, the public, and his wife need to get off his case. I'm sorry she married Tiger Woods not Dr. Woods. She's a beatiful woman and could have married a Doctor, Lawyer, or something and lived a very comfortable lifestyle and had a man be faithful. But she didn't, she married one of the 10 most recognizable athletes in the world and a guy like that can't stay faithful its just not possible.

99% of fidelity is avoiding trouble situations, if you can do that you will be fine. For guys I know that means avoiding one on one late night situations and not exchanging numbers and text with girls you know you shouldn't. For guys on the more impoverished part of the scale that means no craigslist late at night. But for guys like Tiger Woods the wrong situation occurs the second they walk out the door. To this day the one of the most beatiful woman I've ever seen in person was with former dunk champion Brent Barry. And thats fucking Brent Barry, I can't imagine the type of girls that people expect Tiger to turn down on a daily basis.

I don't care if this story ever goes away but lets everybody (including his wife) stop pretending that while Tiger might lead a different lifestlye than anyone else he should still have the same fidelity restraints as the guy that delivers his mail.

QLC Relationship, the conclusion of a 3 part series

Today, in America, millions Quarter Lifers will discuss/rip a fellow Quarter Lifer that has found his or her way into a QLC Relationship. But there is no reason for these Quarter Lifers to panic or show faux concern (a common trait of QLs). While a QLC relationship might be a terrible thing it only has a shelf life of 7 months exactly. Below is the exact pattern every QLC relationship follows.

Stage 1: Could this be Love?

• 1st to 3rd Month


• the two Quarter Lifers spend every free second together


• 90-94% of the conversations b/w the two love birds regard sex, sexual parts, things you want to do during sex, and how great each QL is at sex.


• Friends talk "could he or she really marry this person?"

Stage 2: Who is this person?

• 4th to 5th Month


• Still spend every free second with each other


• 50-55% of conversations deal with sex


• 40-45 % of the time spent getting to know your QLC Relationship mate. And its not pretty. Wow out of nowhere the Quarter Lifer sees faults, annoyances, questionable character that might have been pushed to the back burner due to the riveting and relevant doggy style discussions of the past three months.
  
  While this recognition occurs, this QLC Relationship still has legs and at least a 2 month fight left in it. You see this Quarter Lifer fancies themselves a mature relationship person and has also acquired a penchant for regular sex. So this QL will craft a great illusion about their relationship. While most would describe the Quarter Lifer's companion as annoying, insane, or boring. The Quarter Lifer will say he or she is "really interesting", "one of a kind", or an "elitist."

Stage 3: Its sooo Over

• 6th Month


• No its not......the 6th month is always when the first "break up" occurs. This "break up" usually last 4-7 days. During that "break-up" Usually friends of the Quarter Lifers make the huge mistake of letting the QLer know how terrible their "ex" was. This is usually a respectable move but just a month too early.

Stage 4: When it all Falls Down

• 7th Month
• 5% Sex Talk - But these are negative comments about the other's performance or possible weight gain (common in a QLCR).


• Spend little time together


• This month is typically highlighted with non-stop fighting, at least one public embarrasment and realization "holy shit this has been 7 months, I'm in a QLC relationship!" But I tell this Quarter Lifer who cares? All that matters is you never put yourself or your friends through another one of these again. Take some time, decompress, get that QLCR stench off of you and take comfort that you have avoided any "weekend projects" for a good two to three years.

Quarter Life Crisis Relationships, part 2 of a 3 part series

Its very likely you are a good person and you have friends that are also good people. Then why is at any moment you can name at least one friend currently in a QLC Relationship?

To answer that question we must first acknowledge a divide in the Quarter Lifer camp. While most Quarter Lifers go about our days pretending we are unified by group dissilussionment and deep seeded resentment towards are parents that spoiled us so greatly that nothing but extreme wealth, success, or fame could ever make us happy. However, there is actually a great fracturing line amongst the Quarter Lifers...... Single Quarter Lifers and Couple Quarter Lifers

Both are somewhere in the age of 25-30 (sidenote 24 year olds still have a positive vigor, for proof check out the excellent http://freshfresca.blogspot.com/ written by a 24 year old aspiring chef who should still have that optimism for another year) and lead equally unfulfilling existences. Yet, every weekend the behavior differences of Single Quarter Lifers and Couple Quarter Lifers requires that we divide what was once thought of a solitary group.

On the weekends a Single Quarter Lifer will go to the new talked about bar in town. This Quarter Lifer will look around see a beatiful girl and out of nowhere a voice in its head will say "did someone I.D. that girl?" This awfull fight of maintaing youth and suppressing the natural development of maturity defines the weekends of most Single Quarter Lifers. The Single Quarter Lifer is also constantly posing himself this question "when my parents were this age were they thinking about payments on a mortgage or will I get away with sending that ridiculous drunk text." Usually the only answer to calm these inner battles is to begin excessive consumption of alcohol followed by a long, lonely, overpriced taxi-ride home.

In contrast, weekends for the Couple Quarter Lifer is a completely different experience. For this group weekends aren't so much a time for rest and relaxation, but instead an oppurtunity to complete "PROJECTS" that have been building up all week. CQLs apparently have maintenance problems and the need for aesthetic improvements that Single Quarter Lifers don't have. And a peice of advice, if a Couple Quarter Lifer tells you they have a "PROJECT" this upcoming weekend just leave it at that....you don't want to hear about it because its boring and it can be depressing and make you feel really old to hear how happy your friend is playing Bob Villa.

So what does all of this have to do with a QLC Relationship? The great migration from Single Quarter Lifers to Couple Quarter Lifers is what pushes most people into the QLC Relationship. You see once you first begin your Quarter Life Crisis around the age of 25 the Single Quarter Life camp is a very large bunch. You can sit around making fun of any Couple Quarter Lifer at home probably staying up making diagrams for the upcoming weekend "Project."

But with every year, more and more Single Quarter Lifers become CQLs. And my god, doesn't the SQL camp become an unsortly bunch around 28. All of a sudden the SQL crew looks more like a refugee camp for the ugly, emotionally undeveloped, and sort you would never let baby sitt your children. It is this need to go from the SQL camp to the CQL camp that will make a Quarter Lifer break down and enter a QLC Relationship.

Please Join Us at the Quarter Life Crisis Media Guide tomorrow when we explain why you have no reason to fear if your best friend has entered a QLC Relationship and diagram the 4 phases of QLC relationship.

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS RELATIONSHIP, part 1 of a 3 part series

Take a deep breath...Remain calm....This is really happening. You and one of your best friends just had the talk. Yes the painfully uncomfortable talk where it is revealed your friend is now seriously dating someone you have said awfull things about with THAT friend.

But relax, this isn't your fault, its your friend's fault for falling into the bear trap we call a Quarter Life Crisis Relationship. There is no way he or she would be dating that person five years ago. So how could you know it wasn't safe to point out the obvious flaws of some socially inferior person? So don't panic (you will), and please don't say "Oh once i got to know X he or she really impressed me or X just didn't give a great first impression or X really grew on me." It will come off insencere and is giving your friend a pass on his or her terrible choice.

That conversation would never take place in college. Why? You always knew your friend was interested in someone. They would either tell you or get embarrasingly drunk in front of the person of interest. But college is over, and reading the inner workings of a Quarter Lifer is much more difficult. You see Quarter Lifers are a jaded, weathered and damaged bunch. Even if they truly like another person, the guarded armadillo like Quarter Lifer will only courageously reveal "he or she is allright." So here is a normal progression of comments a Quarter Lifer will make in the weeks leading up to a Quarter Life Crisis Relationship, if you can recognize this pattern you can avoid those awkward talk with your friends in the future:

"I mean, I know she sucks but you would hit it right? She's cute right?"

"He or she IS in pretty good shape"

"I mean yeah he or she spent the night two nights in a row, but he or she knows the deal. We both do"

"We went to dinner.....I paid..... but I mean its cheaper than a strip club."

This last line is always followed with an extremely uncomfortable laugh. Not only is this a terrible joke but both people know that one party is days, if not hours away from entering a QLC Relationship.


Come back as we further dive into the dynamics of a QLC relationship and answer the questions: why do QLC relationships always last 7 months? why do people find themselves in QLC relationships? and most importantly are you in a QLC relationship?

Fact or Fiction: The Platonic Male/Female Friendship

Does this relationship exist? If we look to Hollywood for answers, then the answer has to be a resounding no. Harry fucked Sally, Ross took Rachel's temperature, and I assume Patrick Dempsey did something he found disgusting to his female BFF in Made of Honor (the author had to quit watching when Dempsey described a restaurant as that "trendy place" and meant that as a compliment.) Hollywood finds a man's friendship with Big Foot more plausible than the male/female friendship. Is this really true? Are single men and women incapable of achieving the type of relationship that friendship icons Mase and Puffy shoulder shook their way to in mid 90's?

The answer is Hollywood might have this one right, but for the wrong reasons. Contrary to what Hollywood would have you believe, two attractive singles can laugh and have fun while mutually keeping it on the platonic level. Instead its our society that won't allow men to have strong friendships with women. For example, if a man becomes friends with a woman of equal or more attractive points, everyone whispers he is just waiting in the wings for her to slip up. No one wants to be THAT guy. And in the exact opposite scenario, a guy can't be friends with a fug because no matter what pretty girls say....they'll judge you and write you off as a fug fucker.

Even if that isn't true (it is), the dynamics of male friendships will absolutely forbid a strong and lasting friendship between a single male and female. You see male friendships aren't so much a relationship as they are a competition. Who can drink the most the quickest? Who can say the most disgusting thing at the wrong moment? These are the questions that male friendships are built on. And women smartly don't play that game.

After Y2K, people from 25-30 have had a hard time deciding between the financial servitude of the socialist left and the spiritual servitude of the religious right.

After being faced with Caramel Joker's nazi death panels and mandatory abortions, the choice is clear

Batman '12

Celebrities, Fuglies, and the Poor agree.......

Dating and relationships are an easy thing. In Hollywood, with little pressure at "work", love and life are breezey ezxperiences for these glorified talking models (exception of the under-medicated/educated Brittany Spears & Lindsay Lohan). The moment the rich and beautiful grow tired of their significant others its pretty easy to just split and pick their next mate from the pretty and interesting people buffet.

Speaking of buffets, the fuglies and poor have at least one thing really easy...dating. The poor are too concerned about where the next meal is coming from to have time to complain their boyfriend talks on the phone with their friends too much, assuming they have a prepaid cell phone. And fuglies, it is an unbelievable experience to hear a fugly describe their boyfriend or girlfriend. By some miracle all fugs at some point find the perfect guy or girl. He or she is always the best, most considerate, and caring mate you will ever hear about. Could this really be true, did the fuglies at a young age really have to develop into such spectacular people to survive? No way, fugs are just so happy they found someone that will have sex with them or go out in public with them that they are able to look past all the annoying irritating stuff that those with options usually make us say sayonara.

You Better Shape Up

Fear of Obama's Nazi Death Panel ("O.N.D.P.") is spreading across the country at a rapid rate. Even in Houston, routinely considered the fattest metropolitan center, citizens have begun preparing to make their case for life.

Recently, many of Houston's most overweight women attempted to show the O.N.D.P. they were on the path of becoming fit and productive members of society by embarking on some of the most grueling physical training sessions of all time. That's right, Jazzercise is back and like space travel Houston is leading the way. Check out this link and sit back in amazement.

I'm with Baby

Partying in your mid to late 20's can become routine and monotonous affair. All of a sudden the over consumption of alcohol, cigarette smoking, and talk of who's girlfriend or boyfriend has gained weight doesn't pack the same punch it once used to.

But have no fear fun seekers, there is an emerging group of selfless parents who have no problem sharing their little bundles of joys in the party atmosphere. While these amusing little tots were usually only brought out for family affairs, this new wave of cool parents are finally sharing their little fire starters with the rest of the world even in a party atmosphere. And the partygoers are loving it.

Baby usually never brings any alcohol or conversation to the party, but Baby's presence is as tangible as it is electric. If you smoke a cigarette at the party of all of a sudden people treat you like the Lindbergh baby kidnapper. Even better, rumors of who boinked who are always unwelcome when in the presence of Baby.

Once again we owe a big thanks to Hollywood for paving the way for the new "cool baby" trend. Its almost hard to remember a time when fun could be had without Baby.

Proud To Be An American

Before developing plans for historic Cowboys Stadium, questionnaires were sent to season ticket holders asking what they would like to experience in the new stadium. Overwhelmingly they replied that they would like to feel as if they were watching a football game from an inward looking balcony of a Wyndham Hotel lobby.

Jerry Jones didn't disappoint as tonight the world's largest lobby was unveiled to the world.

Once again, like the record construction of the Empire State Building and the development of the personal computer, it was proved to socialist Europe that The Red, White and Blue is still on top... Big Time

ESPN gets its Pedophile on

Sports Media Giant ESPN has now officially joined the league of child smut peddlers known as Teen and Child Beauty Pageants. All those sports fans tuning into ESPN from 2 to 4 hoping to hear about the upcoming NFL season or the MLB playoff race must have been disappointed to find out ESPN was showing baby faced 9 year olds playing some pretty sloppy baseball. Who in the world could have been excited about this programming? Answer this guy:

Thats right, John Mark Karr the ridiculously creepy pretend killer of JonBenet Ramsey. The continued success of these pageants and ESPN's entry into the child smut arena makes one think that no lessons have been learned from the death of JonBenet Ramsey. Let kids be kids. Children's sports are about kids having fun and feeding the egos of some over bearing parents. Let it be that, don't shove them on the TV screen because no one normal wants to watch that. Only guys like John Mark Karr.

Also, this doesn't include the National Sideshow (Scripps Spelling Bee) for three reasons: A) those kids deserve it for the work they put in, B) that shit is hilarious and C) those kids are too busted to attract the wrong kind of attention.

What's Hot and What's not - August till January Predictions

WHAT'S HOT/WHAT'S NOT

1. No More Nut Play - What happened in these girls childhood that made them think that was an enjoyable experience? Obviously not talking to Daddy. The only feeling going on down there is pain, everything else is just uncomfortable. I can see nut play being huge in certain parts of the world where women can't show ankle. But how is it so popular here? The only guess is that girls mistake the on the back Robot dance most guys do during nut play as pleasure, well they are wrong its just plain uncomfortable. Something in the air tells me we see a huge drop in nut play in the year 2010.
2. Persol/Maui Jim - Recently Jay-Z said he might bring back Versace Shades (see below) but why bother he is already rocking the hottest sunglasses in the game? Already some of Houston's finest are wearing the ultra classic and ultimate style in the sunglass game. And the best part, unlike Ray Baun Way Farer's, the working class can't justify the 350$ starting price to wear them. Comparing Persol's to yuppie favorite Maui Jim feels ridiculous because they operate on such different levels. But, while Maui Jim's simply look like shit they will always have some market as they have become the new white pillow sheets for those with racial intolerance.
3. JAY-Z/LIl' Wayne - Yes white suburbia has spoken and their king is well known child star Lil' Wayne. But the suburbs are boring and their memories go quick, with the Blue Print 3 arriving in stores on September 11, 2009 people can stop pretending they like the "Lollipop Man" Lil' Wayne. No Longer will people have to pretend like the face tat'd child star Lil' Wayne has Swag. Jigga brings it back in September and people soon forget the Olsen Twin of Rap.